A few years ago I quit my full time job as a Social Media Specialist at Vistaprint after only eight months. As I shared the good news with everyone, I made one thing clear:
“I’m never going back to a full time job EVER.”
And thanks to the beauty of the Internet and the people who trade their hard-earned money for favors from me, I’ve never had to.
So it’s safe to say acing job interviews aren’t exactly on my list of priorities right now. But when I came across this list on TIME’s website of 33 interview questions asked at Apple job interviews, I started thinking…
How would the Stacy who doesn’t care about impressing the interviewer answer these questions? If I were truly being me, and being asked these questions by some random person on the street, or better yet, a friend in a bar after one too many drinks, what answer would I blurt out without much thought?
Well, we’re about to find out.
NB. I only read like the first three questions beforehand, so prepare for the unadultered version of the first thing that pops into my head. Feel free to close this page now if that feels too scary for you.
NB. After review, some of these questions are pointless to me, so I’m just gonna skip on over ’em and go for the fun one.
Because I’m the interviewer now. *mwahahahaha*
1. “Explain to an 8 year old what a modem/router is and its functions.”
The Internet that allows you to watch Spongebob is out there *points to sky*, but we have to make it come in here, so we get this box (modem) that can talk to the Internet through this wire right here. But theeen, the Internet is trapped in here *shakes modem*, so to it get to go all around the house, we gotta use this box (router) to send the Internet all around like air.
Pssh, this is easy. What’s next, bossman?
2. “Who is your best friend?”
Uh, first of all why is this an interview question? It isn’t my dad, if that’s what you’re thinking. Judgey McJudgerson.
PS. Yes, I have a totally healthy close relationship with my dad. Fuck off.
3. “If you have 2 eggs, and you want to figure out what’s the highest floor from which you can drop the egg without breaking it, how would you do it? What’s the optimal solution?”
I believe in being practical, and I’m pretty sure that while I sit figuring this out, I’m going to get hungry. So the optimal solution in that case, to ward of starvation and, ultimately, death, is to eat the damn eggs.
PS. I Googled after writing my answer and it turns out some smartypants actually sat down and calculated this to a T. Good for him. Or her. Women are smart too. Hashtag girl power.
4. “Describe an interesting problem and how you solved it.”
This one time, I had two eggs right…
5. “How many children are born every day?”
Absolutely too many. But as long as none of them are mine, I don’t really care.
6. “You have a 100 coins laying flat on a table, each with a head side and a tail side. 10 of them are heads up, 90 are tails up. You can’t feel, see or in any other way find out which side is up. Split the coins into two piles such that there are the same number of heads in each pile.”
Instinctively, I’m gonna say split it 50/50 because that sounds logical. But truthfully, I have no freakin’ clue. And again, I don’t really care. I’m gonna skip these dumb scenario for no reason questions…
7. “Describe yourself, what excites you?”
Whoa! A verbal workplace harassment lawsuit and I haven’t even been hired yet. I can’t with this.
8. “If we hired you, what do you want to work on?”
As little as required to get paid? Nah, I’m just playing. You know I ain’t like that.
Honestly, I’m not really into Apple’s company culture – the elitist, high brow, waste a bunch of money on fuckery every year mentality just ain’t my style. But say this were Google, would love to work on some apps for the freelance economy.
10. “Scenario: You’re dealing with an angry customer who was waiting for help for the past 20 minutes and is causing a commotion. She claims that she’ll just walk over to Best Buy or the Microsoft Store to get the computer she wants. Resolve this issue.”
First of all, I know this lady. We’ve met.
Here’s the thing, if the computer you wanted was at Best Buy or Microsoft at the price we’re selling it, you’d be gone already. So calm the fuck down, lady.
Now here’s what we’re gonna do. Clearly your raucous display has gotten you some attention, so I’m just gonna go ring this up for you and give you what I’m calling a discretionary discount for all your troubles, but what I really know is the standard bitchy customer 10% that won’t affect our bottom line anyway because this computer is cheap and crappy and we mark up prices 45%.
I’m also making a note on your account to make all my colleagues know how horrible you are, so you’ll continue to get terrible service here in the future. You’re welcome. Have a nice day!
14. “What are your failures, and how have you learned from them?”
Looking up to the money-grubbing, people-stomping, auto-loan-thriving class of Kingston elites. Now I walk with gasoline and a lighter so I can burn those bridges when they appear.
15. “Have you ever disagreed with a manager’s decision, and how did you approach the disagreement? Give a specific example and explain how you rectified this disagreement, what the final outcome was, and how that individual would describe you today.”
All the time. I’m usually right. It doesn’t end well. Never been fired though, so clearly I’m doing something right.
How they’d describe me? That stubborn cunt. I love her so much.
17. “Tell me something that you have done in your life which you are particularly proud of.”
Throw away 90% of my clothes in the pursuit of minimalism.
18. “Why should we hire you?”
I hate offices. I’m not too keen on people either. I will challenge every decision made. But if you give me the flexibility and the tools I need, I work my ass off, produce results and give just enough of a fuck to make people enjoy being around me anyway. Why shouldn’t you hire me?
19. “Are you creative? What’s something creative that you can think of?”
I once wrote a poem called “Tappin’ That Ass” where I rhymed orifice with cannabis and included the line, “We got drunk off each other.” Felt pretty damn creative to me at the time.
20. “Describe a humbling experience.”
Everytime I stub my little toe in the presence of a stranger/child/older person.
21. “What’s more important, fixing the customer’s problem or creating a good customer experience?”
Customer experience, obviously. The better they feel about the problem not being fixed, the more money they’ll spend having us fix it or buying a replacement. Business 101.
22. “You seem pretty positive, what types of things bring you down?”
Hahahahaha. Haha. Hahahaha. Positive. Funny.
24. “What brings you here today?”
Funny you should ask, I was wondering the same thing until I saw that the lounge ara had a free food section open to guests. So I’m gonna go with that.
27. “What was your best day in the last 4 years? What was your worst?”
Slept out the whole day. Slept out the whole day.
31. “What would you want to do 5 years from now?”
I can’t quite say. Don’t plan that far in advance. But if prior experience has been any indication, whatever I’m doing, it won’t be here. 🙂
32. “How would you test a toaster?”
Uh…put bread in it?
Somebody removed Question #33 before I got to it. Oh well.
Safe to say I won’t be getting a job at Apple anytime soon.